The Evolution of this Woman
"To the woman I was, I love you.
To the woman I am, I'm proud of you.
To the woman I'll be, I'm excited for you."
-Unknown
In moments of becoming the woman I strive to be anger and resentment often reminded me of the woman I used to be. Questions that just wandered in my mind are, When did I become a woman? Was it a certain age? Was it a particular experience? Did I become a woman after birthing? Perhaps it was from all of these that slowly mended me into a woman, month by month and year by year. All I know is now I prefer to be called a woman when addressed in certain circumstances.
I know faintly in some cultures womanhood begins once a girl has menstruated. I will not dive into that topic cause this blog will spiral! Personally for me I didn't feel a woman once that happened, still wanted to be and acted like a young girl. To be straightforward I just started feeling (at 28) more of a woman in my body and through how I respond or handle conflict through communication. That was specifically added because of attention to child wounds as an adult, there was no feeling of grown woman when in emotionally charged circumstances. I agree it's a bit odd, a little wild because I am 28. That is a mature age isn't it? So does age only matter for certain aspects in life such as maturity??
I know earlier I breezed over anger and resentment so let's slowly open that up. I spent my teenage to young woman years not discovering myself as I had somewhat planned. Those years were simply filled with promiscuity and looking for something I'd never find until I returned to self inwardly. For a couple of years after that phase ended I had intentions to focus on myself and parenting, but there was still a heavy attachment to my middle child dad. The infamous on and off cycle of dating plus sexual affairs. Which slowly began to fade and then ended when I met someone new with my initiation of "wassup with you" *face palm*.
I never gave my FULL attention to my intentions stated few seconds ago. At the time it just sounded good to hear and apparently say on social media because by that time I was becoming consciously aware mixed in a wave of wanting to be “popular” on social. Like many I was preaching and trying to teach something I was not practicing fully and purposely for self. Before I started dating this new person, I had it wrote out in my journal of what I didn't want in a relationship, what I wasn't accepting, and the partner I desired based on their development. There was standards and expectations...only wrote out obviously. Now I see if you write it, you have to act on it smh. Long story short, I didn't listen to self because I never paid attention to myself, just the flesh. Come on now, I know somebody hear me out there.
After allowing myself to ignore truth, repeated cycles of certain treatment, flags on the play from silent treatment to love bombing and a mask of charm. That is where the anger and resentment budded to blossom into someone I'd become disgusted with behavioral wise. I reacted through verbal abuse by attacking characters (personally and to others) which at the time felt fair, but evolving into a true woman I don't want that under my belt or in my heart. It was very much giving "f*ck my baby dad's" as far as their feelings and characters. My spiritual bank requires withdrawals of the anger, resentment, abuse, and victimization to be clear for big bag transactions of understanding, compassion, support, love, forgiveness and true wealth.
To the woman I am, I'm proud of you. Proud of you for putting your vulnerability and transparency into the world to share. It's not an easy task. These are my gifts to the world that comes with more struggle than not still. Proud of you for being courageous to open up and share your dark side to bring in light. Proud of you for consistently taking steps to work on your emotional responses and communication. Proud of you for being the first to start conversations even if you feel they may be an emotional challenge. Most of all proud of you for accepting your shit and learning to apologize from a sincere place.
To the woman I'll be, I'm excited for you, period.
To the woman I was, I love you. We all have a story to tell and or write and I'm grateful you lived through to share. My grace has been extended to you through every shadow I bring to light and every piece of us I confronted through many ways of healing.
